TABLE OF CONTENTS

The Ballad of Wacoff- R. Hardesty

The Week Before Wacoff- D. Bretz

Best Player Never to Win A Major-C. Brown

Golf Digest Knows Wacoff- T. Guerriero

Trouble in the Wacoff Ark-. R. Hardesty

Golf Poem-Jerry Snyder

Joe Mantey's Golf Instruction Book- unkno2n

Ballad of WACOFF

R. Hardesty 

Though we get older it’s not hard to remember

The historical fete the first week of September

When two dozen hackers bent on proving their mettle

Gather together, all in a good fettle, at WACOFF 

They come from Chicago, from Maine and Detroit,

Cincinnati, Seattle and other far points.

The youngest not young nor the oldest too old

These middle-aged men soon fall into the fold, at WACOFF 

The drinking and betting and bragging begin

At Thursday’s pre-game, that’s where Randy fit’s in.

The Committee takes over on Friday at noon

When WACOFF begins, not a moment too soon, it’s WACOFF

It’s WACOFF, WACOFF, WACOFF  

Maybe best ball or Mickey, with skins on the line

And all liquids are drunk, except Turpentine.

After feasting on fare aptly catered by Dennis

The awards are presented to some lucky fellas, it’s WACOFF 

Team shirts are doled out and the card games begin

While some reminisce and others suck gin.

Then it’s up in the morning and back out to the links

To vie in the Scramble and slam down more drinks at WACOFF 

The wagers are laid ‘fore the first shot is hit

With odds on Coughenour to win the whole bit

But Simpson and Bretz, and don’t forget Nielsen,

Rally their teams to meet stiff competition at WACOFF 

After the Scramble some head back to the course

Others converse and have cocktails, perforce

Then paired once again, to a shootout all go

To recall Deke, a somber Wedge Throw, at WACOFF

It’s WACOFF, WACOFF, WACOFF   

Then the cards are turned in and all strokes are counted

(Just one team’s name on that Trophy is mounted)

Then it’s dinner and drinks and more cards and bullshittin’

And other guy stuff that seems to be fittin’ for WACOFF 

For WACOFF comes round but just once a year

(The Benediction by Barry always brings forth a tear).

“Too much is enough” non-WACOFFs might say

But what in the hell do they know, anyway, it’s WACOFF 

So it’s up the next morning, some feeling half-dead

To play more, one round where we go head to head.

And when all’s said and done and the wagers are paid,

The Accolades given, farewells have been made, 

Each man wanders off to his miserable life

To wait one more year with his kids and his wife

But it’s hard to wait twelve months, or even seven

When I die I just hope there’s a WACOFF in heaven.  WACOFF

It’s WACOFF, WACOFF, WACOFF….

THE WEEK BEFORE WACOFF

 (c) Dan Bretz 2007

 Twas the week before WACOFF

when one of the crewwas grousing

about handicaps and stirring the stew

Leading the Commish to decree "Pipe down silly twit

lest you be sanctioned with more strokes and Pinnacles to hit."

The rest of the combatants were already dreaming
of trophies and glory and card table scheming
Upon the board rooms of America had been cast such a pall
that the engines of commerce were at nearly full stall

When out of east Warren there came such a roar
and there on my PC did The Committee implore:
"On Stimson, On Snyder, On Hyman, On Dell,
the rest of you louts, you"ll raise no more hell

"You'll appear one week hence at Yarrow Retreat
With your game in top form and your swing looking sweet.
You'll partake of the grape, some hops and some rye
And we trust that no one will be fluffing their lie

"The Boyz will be boys and play till they're spent
They will rise the next day to compete, not relent
For at stake lies the Cup, that holiest of Grails
And a legacy of victory to he who prevails

"Now all of us knows what will be at stake
And we hope that no one has bones that will break
All shall take heed of September's clarion call
Happy WACOFF to you, Happy WACOFF to all"

BEST PLAYER NEVER TO WIN A MAJOR

C.        Brown

Sept. 2007

 Paul -

While Dan may indeed be the best player never to have won a major (there's only one major, I guess), let us not forget that he was part of the inaugural Shootout championship pairing.  Dan always said that winning the shootout was like winning the Ryder Cup or the Walker Cup, and that when the American flag went up, and the anthem was played, he felt like he might get tears in his his eyes.  It felt like a major to him.

I later told Dan that those American flags were there just to mark the tee locations and the chipoff spots.  And the 'anthem' he was hearing was the result of the vodka and tonics he had been drinking for the previous four hours.  At that point, Dan got real tears in his eyes because he realized that at the same time that he won the Shootout, he had also signed papers to join the Brooklyn Bridge Golf Club in Swampy Bottum, Florida.  For $175,000 in cash.

GOLF DIGEST KNOWS WACOFF

June 2010
Submission to the “Golf Ambush” feature of Golf Digest magazine in 2010 inviting Matt Ginella to “ambush” the 20th annual WACOFF Invitational, and the response he posted on the Golf Digest web site: 

To give you an example of a well-written submission, here’s one I received from Tim Guerriero of Auburn Hills, Mich.:

 Matt,

 I enjoy your columns and postings, and congratulate you and Golf Digest

on your commitment to celebrate and honor that which is most beautiful

about golf:  The friendships, camaraderie and good feelings engendered

by ordinary and everyday golfers playing the game with friends.  I am

but a 23-handicap (for 35 years!) but enjoy the game immensely for many

reasons, but primarily because of its association with very special and

important people in my life.

 I also want to humbly bring your attention to an Ambush opportunity. For the 20th consecutive year, the Wednesday Afternoon Cultural Organization for Fun and Fellowship (WACOFF) will be convening its annual WACOFF Invitational and Gentlemen's Retreat. WACOFF was formed in the late ’70s by a group of dysfunctional and thirsty law students at Wayne State University Law School in Detroit as an excuse for skipping Property Law lectures our first year in law school. WACOFF is now the informal umbrella organization for a variety of relatively meaningless social events. The exception to the "meaningless" label is the annual Invitational, which has attracted 24 to 32 players each year for 20 years, all of whom are either Wayne State law grads from the early ’80s, or friends and family of same.

 This year we’re gathering for our 20th annual retreat at Garland Resort in Lewiston, Mich. Each of the past 19 outings has also been in Michigan, and we have rotated among golf and lodging venues over the years. Participants come from Michigan and a dozen other states. Skills range from 5-handicaps to 36-handicaps. The event is golf-centered, but social and personal at its core. The highlight of the three days of competition is the Scramble Championship, a tournament that participants will spend months psychologically preparing for and an equal time celebrating or lamenting the outcome. The camaraderie, long and lasting friendships (many sustained solely by this event), great food, copious liquid refreshments and outstanding collegial nature of our event is what keeps people coming back year after year, but it is the chase for the Scramble Championship Trophy that really brings out the beast in all of us. 

 The WACOFF has a long and proud history, and I urge you to take just amoment if you possibly can to get a flavor for the event by visiting our website (wacoff.org) to view our pictures, yearly wrap-ups, literary contributions (including songs, poetry and diatribes) and other postings. In short, Matt, I think the event represents all the key values you and Golf Digest try to portray and communicate in your Ambush feature: Friendship, communal history and experience, reverence and appreciation of the game, the ties that bind and the magical role golf plays in promoting and securing all of these virtues over many

years.

 You are cordially invited to take your measure of our worthiness to  be the subject of your attention and, if we are so honored, to come, witness, play, drink, gamble or gambol. We are confident we can meet  your measure.

 Kind regards,

Tim Guerriero on behalf of The Committee

  Here was my response:

Tim/Committee,

Thank you for one of the best submissions I’ve received since we started the Ambush in 2008. For some context, I’ve probably read more than 8,000 entries. It’s clear you’re a better writer than I am, so now I look forward to losing a few nights of sleep assuming you’ll be transitioning into my role as Ambush/travel editor in the near future. I took some time to peruse your website (impressive and well organized--I’ve ordered the wallpaper for my new bathroom). Unfortunately, I have an unavoidable conflict--because of one of my annual buddies trips. For some background (and to help out other readers), here are some of the criteria for picking a winner each month:

 1. The entry. Yours is well written, but we covered that. A lot of people don’t give me a good sense of the group, which makes it hard to pick them as a short feature for the magazine.

 2. The location. I try not to duplicate destinations, and I Ambushed in Garland already. However, it was a long time ago, and I could go back there again if a group has a good story.

 3. The dates. I’m only one guy trying to get a few stories done every month. My schedule is a little silly, as you might imagine. I travel more than I’m home. (Or, at least it feels that way.) Sometimes I can’t get to the best of the Ambush bunch of the month because I have a scheduling conflict. 

 4. The value. Given the economic crunch, I’m looking to celebrate alpha planners who have secured their group a good deal. Which isn’t to say I won’t feature groups that go to Sea Island, Pinehurst or Bandon Dunes. In fact, I’ve been to all three of those destinations for an Ambush. It just means that those groups go with enough people and at the right time of year to get the trip on the cheap compared to a small group that goes during peak season.

 Let’s stay in contact. Maybe I meet up with you guys next year. The Ambush continues to be my favorite few days of the month. And every month I have a lot of favorite days.

 Kinder regards,

Matt Ginella on behalf of Golf Digest

 Posted by Matt Ginella

Trouble in the WACOFF Ark

Ron Hardesty

August 26, 2012

It’s been a long and stormy  year with seas as black as night
The Menagerie is restless now and itching for a fight
At the Treetops,  Otsego's Ararat,  the creaky ship's aground
As all file out, twice two by two, relief the only sound

Together at the craggy peak all watch flood waters fall
As if someone had pulled the plug with little thought at all
The teams disburse with all due haste in search of Premier links
Hoping for good drainage and a bar that serves tall drinks

Five groups of eager quadrupeds each different in design
Chase the WACOFF Trophy for to make the claim, "it's mine!"
A score of aging amateurs intent on being jocks
Now vie as teams named Tiger, Rabbit, Dog, and Rat and  Ox

Slow and lumbering Ox did go, yokeless and unfettered
Not understanding in the least, by the rest he would be bettered
One by one the pack went by, no wisdom was imparted
And with the scorecards tallied up, poor Ox had hardly started
Dog in pursuit, at heels he nipped and untold birds he chased

(Though none were scored) the mangy cur had bogies to embrace

His pedigree not near enough,  his hopes had been deep-sixed
Poor Doggie thought he had the balls, but alas he had been fixed!

Rat sneaked round and through the gorse, eyes beady as he went
His snaky tail behind him lagged, his shots pure excrement
Though in a lab or through a maze his tiny brain could function
Lost on the course his only hope: to receive Extreme Unction
Tiger smiled as others fell, the pride swelled up inside him
As on his striped body wore bright purple, blue and crimson
To prove he was the handsomest, chased John Daly round a tree
Round and round and round they went, till both turned into ghee
Brer Rabbit, trickster that he was, watched as others failed
Long and straight and true he played, and through the course he sailed
Rabbit's Scramble safely done, the Win proved no great hurdle
As Tiger, Ox and Rat and Dog proved slower than the Turtle! 

Dan BretZ

September 14, 2012 

Hmmmm……Best WACOFF ever?? Let me think about that for a second.

 Absofuckinlutely!!!

Jerry Snyder 

Golf Poem

In my hand I hold a ball

white and dimpled, rather small

Oh , how bland it does appear

this harmless looking little sphere.

By its size I could not guess

the awesome strength it does possess

But since I fell beneath it's spell

I've wandered through the fires of hell.

 My life has not been quite the same

Since I chose to play this stupid game

It rules my mind for hours on end

A fortune it has made me spend

 It has made me swear and yell and cry

I hate myself and want to die

It promises a thing called par

If I can hit straight and far

To master such a tiny ball

should not be very hard at all

But my desires the ball refuses

and does exactly like it chooses

 It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies

and even disappears before my eyes

Often it will take a whim

to hit a tree or take a swim

With miles of grass on which to land

it finds a tiny patch of sand

Then has me offering up my soul

if only it would find the hole

It's made me whimper like a pup

and swear that I will give it up

And take a drink to ease my sorrow

but the ball knows

I'll be back tomorrow!!!

Joe Mantey's  Golf Instruction Book (with credit to Jeffrey Weiser)

Dear Family and Friends:

Many of you may not know it, but I have been very busy over the last 2 years in the golf heaven of the desert in sunny California putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book. I am very proud of the results and to assist with the marketing, I am asking friends and family to help me out. I believe my new book on GOLF gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of struggle and experience. I'm hopeful you find this a useful tool to help you enjoy your game that much more as you enjoy the great outdoors.

The cost is only $29.95 and can be ordered by simply replying to this email.

Don't wait until they're all gone!!!!

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when You Hit a Titleist from

the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round

Chapter 10- When Does A Divot become classified as Sod

Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 12 - Why your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th...

Chapter 13 - Using Curse words Creatively to Control Ball Flight

Chapter 14 - When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome

Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting five off the Tee

Chapter 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt

Chapter 18 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter 19- Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique

Chapter 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?

Chapter 21 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer from the Cart Girl and

Give her a $3 Tip, but will balk at $4.50 at the 19th Hole and Stiff the

Bartender.

Thanking you in advance for your order.

Joe

Poetry by Ron Hardesty

Aug 29, 2016

‘cused of tastelessness by The Committee

Your outfitter offers this ditty:

After 13 long years (almost a career)

It’s still hard to make all the teams pretty

There’s always a man or two whining

When the shirts are doled out after dining

“They look inside out”, “they’re too tight”, some guys shout

But who else will do the designing?

So if your shirt turns out to be too bright

(Or it glows like it’s under a blacklight)

Don’t lose control; Just remember the goal:

Win the Scramble and all will be right!

Just try to exhibit compassion

And think twice before you start trashin’

With 12 guys in YELLOW and 12 more ORANGE fellows

WACOFFs may just set the new fashion!

More by Ron Hardesty

Aug 24, 2016

I'll tell you a tale of 3 sets of 9s

The rounds that I played this past week

So sit yourself down and decant some wine

The story quite soon becomes bleak

don't mean to brag; the first 9 was great

Each fairway was striped without thought

My putts all ran true as if it were fate

Forty strokes, played as I'd been taught

I made the turn as my confidence swelled

My game went according to plan

The tenth was a par, a birdie soon fell

Then another par from the sand.

My mind was at ease, I played without fear

Till a triple reared up its head

A double, then par, the scorecard was clear:

Forty-five. What more can be said?

To keep this yarn short I'll cut to the chase

The next sides were both forty-four

Hole after hole with a smile on my face

Playing golf no longer a chore

The fifth nine went well, a difficult course

Scrambled hard to shoot forty-three

And then, as it were, I fell off my horse

In the brambles, ditches and trees

My drives were too left, or too long or right

The gods gave me horrible kicks

My wedges were chunked, and try as I might

Putts just didn't fall: FIFTY-SIX!

And now it's WACOFF, the time of the year

When I need to have the right stuff

The player or hack? Which Ron will appear?

I guess I'll find out soon enough.

AN ALL TIME CHART BUSTER FROM RANDY MOSS

August 22, 2018

And now some easy listening music from Simon and Garfunkel. 

Are we going to Scarborough fair...parsley sage rosemary and THYME (no mention of lavender or paprika)
And from Peter Paul & Mary....Leaving on a Jet plane
My golf bag’s packed and I’m ready to go...Nielsen’s Honnnda Odyssey outside my door...oh how glad am I... it is not 5:00 a.mmmmmm...

Stimson’s knockin’ my door, Paul’s a beepin’ his horn, I’m on the can...checking out some porn...oh how I wish I had just some more THYMMMME....

so please sit tight while I take a shit...give me some wedges and a putter to hit...look out other teams—as you’re about to get shat on....

cuz I’m a leavinnnn’ Hon d’Odyssey, know I’ll be back on Sunnn-dayyy....leavin’ Hon-da odyssey...be back in time to pray...

(Next verse)So now I’m on the range and I’m hitting a shot... LaBarge is next to me...smokin’ some pot...oh how I wish the wind was blowin’ my wayyy....

Hardestys’ down the row...twirling their ‘stache....Voshell nearby...talking ‘bout some gash...oh how I wish that Marsh’ just had some haassshhh....

so pass that pipe and gimme a hit...long forgotten from taking that shit...fairways abound below bright skies I sittt....(all together now)...

cuz I’m leaving Hon-d’Odyssey...know I’ll be back on sundayyy....leavin’ Hon-d’Odyssey...be back in time to pray (Rosh Hashanah Sunday night)

(Final verse)Now we’re in the lodge, counting our score, young-ins nearby checking out the whore...Guerriero just keeps trying to subdue the roar....Bretz discussing his round while having a drink...Coon’s nearby raising a political stink...oh how I wish my last putt fell in the sinnkkk (hole...all together now) cuz I’m leaving...Hon—d’Odyssey...don’t know when we’ll be back again....Honda... Hon d’Odyssey....we’ll be together again....

TIME TO BUY SOME DRINKS

Aug 29, 2019

The Committee has taken note of the outcome of the Wacoff Pool II and has asked me to communicate the following on their behalf:

“Congratulations to Messrs. G Coughenour , R Hardesty and P Nielsen on their serendipitous good fortune as winners of the Wacoff Pool II.

The Committee recognizes that while prognosticatory skill on the part of each of you was a necessary element in your success, The Committee is also constrained to note for the record that the element of luck likely played an outsized role in the outcome, particularly given the unusual nature of the prize purse for the ultimate Tour event this year.

In this regard, this year’s Pool results may perhaps be reliably likened to a hole in one. While there is certainly a modicum of skill involved in order to create a golf shot that has a chance of going in the hole off the tee, it takes a large dose of luck and serendipity for it to actually happen. This explains in part why tradition holds that the a golfer blessed with the good fortune of an ace is expected to acknowledge and share that good fortune with his golfing brethren in the form of “drinks on me”, truly one of the most honored traditions of the game.

The Committee is confident in its belief that our trio of newly enriched Pool winners, true and dedicated golfers all, will honor the spirit of this glorious tradition and perhaps lay a bottle or two of their favorite libation on the communal Wacoff bar during the 29th Annual for all to enjoy and toast their good fortune.

We salute each of you as gentlemen, and thank you in advance for your generosity and dedication to the spirit and traditions of our beloved game.

YrObtSvts

THE COMMITTEE”